Two weeks ago I spoke with my dearest friend, Pam, on the phone. She had been fighting ovarian cancer for the past 2 years or so and this day she told me that a tumor was growing in her esophagus which made her voice raspy. Her cancer had spread throughout her body and so at this point, there was nothing anyone could do.
She talked a long time that morning and I remember thinking that I didn't want her to stop talking even though I had appointments to keep that day because a part of me realized that this could be the last time I'd be hearing her voice.
And so it was. Today, her sister told me that Pam lost her fight on Thursday, just two days ago.
Four weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to have visited her at her home. We spoke about flowers (how she loved them and asked me to help her sort out the floral arrangement given to her that had wilted during a heat wave the day before), our massage careers (she loved loved loved massage - and would do it even without payment), and our futures. She still had plans through the end of the year, and I just loved every minute of my visit. Her husband came in to remind her gently that she had to rest in bed - time had flown and I had been there almost 2 hours.
She told me she had wanted her and her husband to get into their mobile home and drive to the coast of Mexico, park, and just stay there - facing the rolling waves and feeling the gentle breeze.
Pam, I hope you're right there right now, enjoying the sea breeze and knowing that as greatly as you loved us, you are so loved back.
In this photo, she was modeling a simple slouch hat I made for her. She had asked me then if it was knit from my handspun yarn, and since then I've been busy spinning the yarn and now knitting the shawl. Her favorite color was purple, and I've got a project sitting on the table that's only 1/3 of the way through.
I had thought that, just as Pam had planned so many events and vacations through the year end, I'd have just before then to finish it. I was wrong.
At the moment, I guess I'm at a loss for words I don't even know what to write...or do.